My Obstacle to Happiness

Everyone has a different temperament.  Some people are naturally joyful and energetic.  Others are more serious and contemplative.  I tend to be somewhere in the middle.  I am rarely ecstatic or deeply depressed, but I'm often melancholy for no particular reason.  I try to snap out of it but it is like a fog that settles on my soul with no sunlight to burn it off.  I try to count my blessings or say my prayers, but nothing seems to work.

I've been thinking about those time when I feel the opposite of the cold, gray fog.  What made the difference?  All I can think of is that I felt a part of something bigger than myself, like I was participating in something that mattered to someone besides me.  I felt important, or at least useful, and I felt at peace.  Right now, I just feel occupied.  I have activities that fill my time but I'm longing for someone to notice me.

It dawned on me that I feel happy when someone tells me that they need me or appreciate me.  I guess that makes me human, but I don't like that it makes my mood dependent upon someone else.  It means my own ego is the biggest obstacle to my lasting happiness because it depends on affirmation from an external source.  My ego also keeps me from loving deeply and unconditionally because it needs to get something in return.  My ego makes me afraid to lead because I could be criticized or rejected.  Basically, my ego brings me misery.

What would it be like to feel completely whole?  I've experienced only glimpses of it.  There have been moments when I did difficult things and I didn't even feel nervous because I wasn't worried about my ego.  I just wanted to get something done and do it to the best of my ability.  I was happy just to be used by God to accomplish His will.

That is probably where my problem lies.  I've disconnected the divine from my daily life.  I've never been very good at practicing the presence of God while doing drudgery like that famous monk Brother Lawrence, but I have seen how God give me small opportunities to grow my skills, build my confidence, and serve others in the process.  When I'm doing something solely to bring God glory, I'm not afraid to fail and I don't need the attention and admiration of others.  I can just rest in the knowledge that I am loved.  I guess that's the key.  Remember for whom I am living and that He loves me.